♥ Chances?

Beautiful week ♥ Trying so hard to live my day fruitfully =] even though things are going hay-wired. Chances. Are people given chances in times when they have decided to change to a better self? Are others willing to give them the chance, at least once, to see them change and lead a better life? Are the 'others' so generous to forgive and forget those faults they had made? or are they selfish thinking all about themselves and store up hatred in their heart till it turns black and explode? a.k.a. wrinkles and looking so damn old? Everyone has a bad/unforgettable/regretful/ugly/naked past. Who's past life story is perfectly beautiful and wonderful?

My life story ain't perfect. I've been rebellious, playful, and did stuffs that I can't even face right now. I have dirty secrets which I can't share to anyone. What to do? Stuffs are done, times are gone. I can't rewind and change the facts right? So why not move on?

But then, who gives a damn how you maintain your life? Who actually gives a f*ck when you walked in way of darkness? *excluding God, He knows our ways*. There's a saying in Chinese, when you did something good, they don't promote it; but when you did a crime, people spread it faster then internet. True. I truly agree. People spread rumors more than promoting good news. But what can be done..? Humans enjoy seeing others fall, enjoy seeing others leading a miserable life. HUMANS ARE SELFISH ! who enjoys bliss and expects others to fall. The worst is, they don't even realized its their mistakes. They will always blame others for what happen and then order everyone to be under his/her hands to be controlled.

Frankly to say, I am no difference from the above saying. Sometimes I can be selfish and so bad in ways when I care too much about certain situations/things. Oh why, I AM STILL HUMAN MADE OUT OF FLESH AND BLOOD, BORN OUT FROM MY MOTHER'S WOMB ! So that makes me no difference from you. THE DIFFERENCE IS HOW YOU CONTROL YOUR OWN DOINGS AND BEINGS AND HOW YOU CONSTANTLY TEACH YOURSELF NOT TO BE SELFISH AT ALL TIMES. I am no saint nor holy but at least I can control myself and do stuffs that are right. And at most times my motive is to not hurt anyone and let no one hurt me.

Friends have been telling me to let myself looser. Let myself get closer to friends more and be without distance with them. BUT when I let myself loose and being more outgoing, problems start to come out. How can I let myself go on this way? How can I listen to advices and sacrifice myself, letting myself hurt physically and mentally? I'm just being stupid to lead my life that way, knowing people come into my life and hurt me then continue doing the same thing again and again.

It's not my fault shutting everyone away from my deepest heart. Maybe the past had become an obstacle for me to move forward or close to anyone. Other than the family, the boyf., and Beibei, I bet I can hardly trust anyone. Who can I trust some more when people may do harm to my heart? I am not a strong lady, I am not born standing on solid ground, I am not born with a heart made of stone. I'm not a girl, not yet a woman. I can burst out and cry like a child, I can walk up with my head to the sky confidently like a woman. Conditions and feelings change as situations change. I AM STILL A HUMAN. ♥